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Assorted Random Jokes
A little old lady answered a knock at the door to be met by a vacuum cleaner salesman.
Screw off- she says.
Next thing- he tips a bucket of horse crap on her hallway carpet and says- if this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse shit madam- I will eat the remainder!
Well, she says, I hope you're fucking hungry because the electricity was cut of this morning!
************
A redneck stops for a drink at a biker bar. The first thing he noticed was a HUGE jar cram packed with 10, 20 and 50 dollar bills. There must've been thousands of dollars in there!
Ofcourse, the guy asks the barkeeper:
'Hey man, what is this money for?'
'Oh, I guess you aren't from around here. We are famous for holding a competition that costs $20 to enter, and if you win, you take all the money home.'
Out of curiosity, the guy asks for more info.
The Barkeeper broke into a grin:
'Well, its a contest to complete 3 tasks. First, you gotta drink a whole bottle of our strongest Pepper Tequila without pulling a face of any kind.
Second, out back is an old mean bulldog who was a local dog-fighting champion, a real big mean brute. He has a tooth-ache, and your second job is to find, and remove this tooth with your bare hands.
Last, up in the attic, is my great grand-mother. She is over 100 years old, and hasn't had a orgasm for over 30 years. Your last task, is to satisfy her.
Immediatley the guy refuses and says 'NO WAY'...
But surely enough, after a night of boozing, he gets drunk and stupid enough to give it a go.
'What the hell' he said 'Heres $20...
Immediatley the barkeep rings the bell, and a crowd gathers.
A bottle of the strongest pepper tequila is handed to the man, who, despite tears running down both cheeks, keeps a stony face and downs the whole bottle.
Next, the man rolls up his sleeves, and goes through the back door to the Bulldog pen. The bar is deathly quiet as they hear barking, deathly screams, growling, yelps, horrible yells and then finally after 10 minutes of obscene racket, a long, high pitched whine.
The whole bar, convinced the man is now dead, bow their heads and take off their hats.
But suddenly, the man bursts through the door triumphantly, hiccups, and says:
..'Now... Wheres the old lady with the toothache?'
************
A snake slithers into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry I can't serve you." The snake says, "Why not?" The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
************
A man goes into a bar and orders 5 whiskeys.
" What's the problem ? " asks the bartender.
" I've just found out my son is gay !! " he replies.
The next day the man returns and orders 10 whiskeys.
" Whats wrong now ? " says the bartender.
" I've just found out that my other son is gay as well !! " he cries.
The following day he returns and orders 20 whiskeys.
" What the hell, doesn't anyone in your family like girls ? " the bartender shouts !
" Yes. My wife !! " replies the man.
************
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a hummer too?"
"Nah, " says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
************
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of Those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $199.95"
The amazed father asks: "Why is Divorced Barbie so much money ?
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends.
************
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"
************
A blond tells her friend that she is having a hard time selling her car because it has over 200,000 mile on it
Her friend gives her the address of a man who will turn the odometer back to 40,000 miles for just a few dollars.
Hard up to sell the car, the blond finds the man and has the odometer turned back.
A few days later the blonds friend asked if she has sold the car.
The blond replies...Hell No !...I've decided to keep it...it only has 40,000 miles on it !
************
Three tourists were traveling in South America: an Irishman, a Frenchman and a blond American. They all found themselves in a bar in a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived and arrested them.
At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother of the dictator. The three of them were promptly sentenced to five years in solitary confinement.
Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor. You may choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do you wish for?"
The Irishman asked for a five years supply of fine Irish whiskey. The Frenchman asked for a five year supply of fine French wine. The blond American requests a five year supply of cigarettes. The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement of the prison.
Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk himself, and walked out into freedom. The blond American was released last. He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does anyone have a match?"
************
A group of girlfriends is on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel
with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their
boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We
have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor
has signs telling you what's inside".
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the
men here have it short and thin". The friends laugh and without
hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the Second floor read, "All the men here have it long and
thin". Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the
Third floor.
The sign read, "All the men here have it short and thick". This was
still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors
left, they move on to the next floor.
On the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the men here have it
long and thick". The women get all excited and are going in when they
realize that there is one floor left. Wondering what they were missing,
they go to the Fifth floor.
The sign reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to
prove that there is no way to please a woman".
************
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